We were running late AGAIN...
Alternative title: How not to handle chronic behaviour.
I don't know about you, but in my relationship one of us gets stressed out if we're not on time, and the other seems to be late often. This creates a lot of stress between us just at the point when we're trying to go out and have fun. Since I am the one who gets stressed out at tardiness, I have become the "official timekeeper" when I'm trying to get somewhere on time. I do not recommend this job to anyone!
So Sunday night we had plans to join friends for dinner, and were going to take the train. I started my customary timekeeping and asked Carin several times as we were getting ready if she was doing what she needed to, to catch the train we had chosen. As always, her answers were "yes".
We missed the train.
That's not the story. I handled it by being upset for a little while, then chilling out. In amost every situation, my intention is to have the best time possible and stay focused on the miracles and pleasures in life, rather than get upset (or stay upset) about whatever isn't showing up the way I'd like it to at the moment.
The story is, the next day Carin and I are talking on the phone and she jokes that we've been getting good at missing the train. At that moment I did not find it funny and said "we are not getting good at that", she countered with a comment that I took to mean "if you had been a better timekeeper then we wouldn't have missed the train". I got mad and blew up at her. She told me that she didn't want to fight and that she was going to hang up, and did.
I wasn't upset at her for hanging up. In fact I wasn't upset at all. I had a flash of understanding about the roles we had been playing in this situation for years, and how I can be different in this situation in the future.
The roles we had been playing (more later)
I don't know about you, but in my relationship one of us gets stressed out if we're not on time, and the other seems to be late often. This creates a lot of stress between us just at the point when we're trying to go out and have fun. Since I am the one who gets stressed out at tardiness, I have become the "official timekeeper" when I'm trying to get somewhere on time. I do not recommend this job to anyone!
So Sunday night we had plans to join friends for dinner, and were going to take the train. I started my customary timekeeping and asked Carin several times as we were getting ready if she was doing what she needed to, to catch the train we had chosen. As always, her answers were "yes".
We missed the train.
That's not the story. I handled it by being upset for a little while, then chilling out. In amost every situation, my intention is to have the best time possible and stay focused on the miracles and pleasures in life, rather than get upset (or stay upset) about whatever isn't showing up the way I'd like it to at the moment.
The story is, the next day Carin and I are talking on the phone and she jokes that we've been getting good at missing the train. At that moment I did not find it funny and said "we are not getting good at that", she countered with a comment that I took to mean "if you had been a better timekeeper then we wouldn't have missed the train". I got mad and blew up at her. She told me that she didn't want to fight and that she was going to hang up, and did.
I wasn't upset at her for hanging up. In fact I wasn't upset at all. I had a flash of understanding about the roles we had been playing in this situation for years, and how I can be different in this situation in the future.
The roles we had been playing (more later)
posted by Jon | 8:58 AM
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